We live in the most connected time in history. Yet somehow, genuine human connection feels more fragile than ever. Maybe that is why so many of us feel lonely despite always being “plugged in.”
It is easy to feel lonely, even isolated. How does one navigate a world where it’s no longer normalized to go up to someone and start talking? Maybe it’s just a me problem. But I also feel that social media has distorted reality, and the fear of rejection lingers. Is this what everyone feels and it’s just something that you naturally have to overcome? Abilene paradox?
The Challenge of Conversation
I know I can definitely do a better job trying to strike up conversations. I feel like I close off opportunities way too easily. I’m awkward like that. As an introvert, it feels harder than it should be.
I once had a phase of trying to talk to a new person every day and I just got mentally tired. One possible solution to this is finding curated ways to meet new people – for example, there was a house-warming that I went to a couple of weeks ago and it was a fun and chill way of getting to know some new people.
Maybe getting to know 2nd degree connections (ie through your current friends) is the way to go, as there is likely going to be some common interests. This is probably the best and most enjoyable way to get to know people.
But this isn’t always possible. If you’re at a new school or even in a course/class where you don’t know anyone. Then you just gotta power through that awkward phase and converse. Over time, repeated encounters make it less awkward. I guess that awkward phase is just a part of building relationships often.
Travel, Networking and Value
Ironically, I enjoy meeting people when I travel. In places where I stand out people approach out of curiosity, asking why I am there or what life is like back home, and conversations unfold naturally.
As much as I hate the word and the idea of ‘networking’ – that’s what we’re basically doing when building connections. So, on the flip side of actively trying to get to know people is building and becoming a person of value, as Naval talks about. Very much a technical / builder-oriented way of thinking about things. Maybe if you do cool things, people will naturally gravitate towards you. I’ve noticed this with the Grapesyard Project and travelling to Kenya – people saw it and inquired about it. People want to become friends with those who are ‘cracked’ and ‘interesting’. I find this to be the case with people who were initially looked at as ‘weird’ before becoming ‘famous’. Content creators and celebrities are examples. So are entrepreneurs. Becoming so good at your craft that people can’t ignore you.
I’ve thought about this before and even kinda tried. “If I get x job and do x things, people will respect me. People would want to become friends with me”. Although I never made what I initially set out to accomplish, it’s a superficial way of seeing the world. If people start gravitating towards you because of your title, those relationships are likely going to be shallow. They respect you for your title, not for who you are. That’s not to say that a genuine relationship can’t be built from that. And I guess it depends on your goals too. If you’re so oriented on building relationships so that you can do business with people then that works. And that’s what Naval is suggesting. But from a human connection perspective, be careful.
Being Interesting and Being Interested
Dale Carnegie once said, “If you want to be interesting, be interested.” This is true to a large extent – people like to talk about themself and you’ll elicit positive feelings. Being genuinely interested in people is important but trying to get to know people and asking question after question can get pretty tiring. So, balancing this with becoming a ‘master’ at your work becomes increasingly important. Do cool shit. Lean into your passions and interests. Enjoy the process, have fun, and you’ll likely attract people who fuck with what you do.
Taking the Dale Carnegie quote a step further – I feel like you genuinely should be doing ‘interesting’ things too. Nowadays, so many people are doomscrolling on social media. This means that we’re spending less time socializing with people in real life, and we’re not leaning into our hobbies. Time is wasted in the social media abyss. Even one or two genuine hobbies can make you stand out in a sea of distractions. Read more. Explore rabbit holes. Set higher goals. Not just for others but for yourself.
Closing Reflection
People need to genuinely like you for who you are so don’t build for the sake of what others will think. That ties back into the whole ‘getting a role/title so that people will respect you’. I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s thought that before. Building what you truly want can help create genuine human connections.
Get off your phone. Start building, start creating, lean into what carries you forward. Do things that row your boat. People will eventually find you. But that doesn’t mean shy away from conversing with people and making an effort to do that. Real connection still requires effort. You still have to strike up that first awkward conversation.
This is more of a personal reflection than advice, a way to put thought into words. A good excuse to get off my phone and try to enter the ‘flow state’. So take it with a grain of salt.
-Ricky
